Carson
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It has always been my belief that men cheat because they are weak. Period!. We all get tested at some point and we all know that once we pull the trigger, there is no going back. I think that down deep most of the cheats don’t care if they get caught, because I would say they believe they have good reason. Not so much the one time cheat, but the flagrant ones like Tiger and now Arnold. Those men knew exactly what they were doing and in their mind they were okay with it. I can’t see how any man who cheats and feels remorse, can go back over and over and sometimes even lead a double life. Let’s face it, if we all thought we would never get caught, a very high percentage of us would do it. WE have never really lost that “caveman” in us, but have seemingly learned how to control it. After all, being in a civilized society makes us. As for why we seem to “affair down”, which clearly is the case with Arnold (even though Maria isn’t really that good looking), I can’t figure it out. You would think that we would “make it count ” so at least if we were caught, our spouse could understand the temptation behind it. But what does a spouse think when she sees the other woman is a “double bagger”! That must really freak them out. Anyway, as a man I can always understand why a guy cheats, but I can’t always condone it. Yes I did write that. Only because I understand how frustrating it is to have a partner that won’t meet you at least half way to satisfy your sexual desires. When a woman hears you asking for more of her and she gives you less or even worse, ignores your pleas, then yes I can condone it. It always befuddles me when a woman turns a deaf ear to her partner then acts all surprised and hurt when he strays. Maybe leaving the relationship is the best way but most men are afraid to do that, more so when children are involved. So they stray to find the missing intimacy or sex but still want to keep the family they have intact.

Just one man’s opinion….
The Regular Guy

Hey Regular Guy

I stumbled upon your blog while Googling why so many men “affair down” – meaning, of course, the majority of men who cheat do so with women who are not nearly as attractive as their wives or girlfriends. There are TONS of hits about this on Google.(As evidenced by Jesse James, Tiger Woods, the Governator to just name a few.) I have read your posts about men and the “Chip”, which I do agree with. Do you believe then that it is because of the ever-prevalent notion of sex in the male brain that leads most (not all, of course, but most) men to cheat on their wives or girlfriends with less attractive women? Logically, one would think if you’re going to risk your relationship, you’d do it with someone who would be a “trade up”. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.

Carson

It seems to me that there is quite a crowd of women between the ages of 30 and 40 who can not find Mr Right.

Online dating sites brag about the rate people that find love using  their programs, but in real life they seem to fall short of their lofty success reports. Women between the ages of 30 and 40 are finding themselves in limbo when it comes to landing the man of their dreams, especially if they have high standards. More and more I hear how there are so few “good” men out there and that the ones they date always fall short of capturing not just their heart but simply their interest.

Yesterday I stood between four women aged 35 to 50 and listened to them question ones relationship status. This woman being questioned is about to turn 40 and had been through a marriage that went bad. That was 7 years ago and today, she finds herself still looking for Mr Right. Sandy (not her real name) is a great girl who is not only very attractive but intelligent, witty, honest and sincere. She is also very independent and well liked by everyone who knows her. Why then can’t she find what shes looking for? She explained how just recently she met a new guy, who is 40 and without baggage (means no ex wife, no kids) which is rare these days. She also mentioned that he would like children and that is one of the things Sandy is looking for in a man. One of the women stated that at 40, he knows what he wants as opposed to earlier in his life. I laughed aloud when I heard that statement because usually men say they can not figure out women because they are always changing. t Matter of fact, men who are married often state that their wives are no longer the girl they married (see earlier posts for more on this). When I laughed they asked why I had, and I couldn’t help but chime in. I said that men were simple in what they want and that it never changes. Perhaps it’s that women at this age don’t want the same things as they did years ago when we were closer in what we both wanted and expected from each other. I said that men wanted the same things now as we did then. Sex, good food, toys and laughter. Its is really very simple, but for a woman at this age the sex we want is always too much, women don’t have time to cook or don’t know how, the love of cars, motorcycles, sports, and electronics never did anything for woman to begin with, and laughter is childish( ie: the Three Stooges come to mind). A good example might be this: In high school just about every girl wanted the jock boyfriend. He was into all the things I mentioned above and to some extent so was she. She played sports or went to to the games(maybe to meet one of the jocks). She thought his car was “cool” especially if it was a convertible, because then everyone could see her in it. Now, if you look at that guy today, he is still the same but the woman his age considers him “childish” for being the same man today as he was back then. Today the women want the “geek” who back in high school they made fun of or never paid any attention to his attraction to her. He was weird or goofy, skinny or dressed funny. Not COOL. Too bad because now all those great guys are probably the nerds who are married and successful. Oh the jocks are probably married too or they are bald and fat and are now the unattractive ones. One hell of a vicious cycle huh?

So in this day of single girls outnumbering single guys, where does a great girl find her soul mate? That question will probably go without answer forever because as they say “you can’t force love because it happens when you least expect it”.

Just one mans opinion…

The Regular Guy



What do you guys think?

Emotional cheating, ego boosting or something else?

An old girlfriend/ex-wife/gal-pal is constantly emailing or texting you just to stay in touch. She’s told you in the past that she is unhappy with her current relationship, so you are flattered that she wants to lean on the “connection” the two of you once had. You even enjoy hearing from her. (You get the feeling she might take it further if you would.)

But you wouldn’t!! You are totally committed to and happy with your current relationship. Even so, the attention is nice and at times you still think about *her* and wonder, “What if…?” 

Do you:

1)      Write back to her and continue to engage in *harmless* chatting?

2)      Ignore her attempts to stay in touch?

3)      Delete or block her email/phone number?

4)      Ask her to stop contacting you?

5)      Invite her to go out with you and your spouse/partner?

 I expect to hear lots of “It depends…” on this one. I’m curious what those qualifiers would be.

Some one once said” Life is what happens while your busy planning for it.” Maybe it wasn’t exactly that but close enough.

So how is it that we get so involved in planning our lives that we miss most of it as it jettisons right by us. I have been trying to change the way I live my life for years, and it’s a slow process at best, trying to undo the mess that I have created.

Last year, I went to see “Eat, Pray, Love ” and I walked away from the film with a reinforcement of what I always believed. You can not change your life unless you change where you live your life. Nothing really changes if your environment doesn’t

The main character in the movie came to a crossroad when she realized that she wasn’t living a life by choice but one that she couldn’t relate to because she became lost in all the things that life threw at her on a daily basis. She didn’t know who she was and what truly made her happy, so she embarked on a mission to find her true self.

If you think about it we build our lives in steps which seems to end in retirement. We are born, we grow, we learn, we work, we marry, we have kids, we buy a house, we create massive expenses and responsibilities, and we hope for a comfortable retirement. We are led to believe that this is a way to a happy life. We don’t live life, we work it. Sure we all get little bits and pieces of it but do we ever really live the life we would if we could?

I have spent my life working just to enjoy a few off weeks a year to do things that make me happy while all the time wishing I could work less and live more. I am not talking about traveling the world but just taking the time to “smell the roses”.  I, like most men, are driven to make money with the hope that at some point I can enjoy the rewards of my lifelong efforts. But unless you happen to make a killing very quickly, you will find that basically you work your whole life to live, and not much more.

Maybe we are all just missing life the way it was intended to be. “SIMPLE.” We have all become products of our environment. So caught up in our work that it becomes our life. Think about how upside down we have made our lives. We spend most of our day working and the rest sleeping. When we aren’t sleeping we are on our phones or computers probably either working or wasting time.  I have been told by my parents that some of the best times of their life were before all this technology set in. It seems that living before the 1960′s was great. Could it be because life was much simpler and less cluttered with technology. People actually had conversations in their living rooms with neighbors on Saturday nights. It was called “having company”. Today, we don’t even want to talk to each other so we just text.

If you are young and reading this here’s some advice. Start early and save as much money as possible by avoiding what everyone else is doing with theirs, because later in life you will need it more than earlier. Travel as soon as possible and see how others live in difference to where you were raised. Take a job or jobs that don’t tie you down ( this is the difficult one) but allow you to leave if necessary and start up somewhere else. Remember, its not how much you earn its how much you spend that makes life difficult, and with this in mind, stay debt free. And last, you will  learn later in life that it is shorter than you think so be prepared to say yes now to all the things you truly want to do and not make excuses as to why you can’t. Don’t let your “career” become who you are. Keep your life “simple” because at some point you will look back on it and wonder how it got so complicated and stressful and not know how to fix it. It becomes like the hamster on a wheel. Repetition over and over, the same everyday.

Life as we know it happens because we allow it to. Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I’ll get this life right!

Just one man’s opinion

The Regular Guy

I had dinner with my friend Sara recently and as we reminisced about years of working together, the conversation turned to relationships. She and her husband had recently celebrated their 25^th wedding anniversary. It was her husband’s second marriage, but Sara’s first. I asked her the secret of their success.

She had a twinkle her in eye as she told me about Tom.

“He made me feel comfortable right from the start,” she said. “I knew I could be myself and he would accept me for who I am – both the good and the not-so-good. It seems to work for us. He’s easy-going and I’m a little intense, but he just lets that roll.”

I’ve watched them together. They kid each other often. They laugh and show respect for each other. Sara is somewhat of a caretaker and Tom likes this. Yet he knows how to make her feel loved and cared for, too.

And he’s a big flirt! Though I don’t see them often, a few other mutual friends and I have observed that Tom is generally focused on women and freely expresses his appreciation of their beauty, bodies, sex appeal, etc. Sometimes we think it’s icky. But Sara has never once complained or expressed discomfort with it.

So why do some people become jealous of every tiny bit of attention a partner pays to someone else, while others don’t mind this a bit?

I think it depends on the strength of the intimate relationship — a strong loving relationship, shared mutually, leaves no room for jealousy. If each partner is truly being kind to the other (as the Regular Guy purports) and if they often are doing little things to enrich the relationship, then a little flirting shouldn’t rock their world. It might even enhance it! It’s nice to see that other people appreciate your date/mate.

Self-confidence helps, too. Insecurity breeds disinterest. And trouble can follow.

What happens outside the relationship can only become significant if nothing is happening inside the relationship. (A topic for another post.) It takes a committed pair to turn a budding romance into a 25-year marriage. Cheers to all those who take it seriously and succeed, and especially to Sara and Tom!

While the Regular Guy provides a forum for men to vent and discuss commonalities,  I say gals should also snatch the opportunity to spew forth our feminine perspective! I may not be as witty as Carrie Bradshaw, but I am in the newspaper business and I’ve always had a thing for writing, so my goal is to inspire some discussion here. Think of it as group therapy for the regular gal (and guy)… those of us who constantly ponder love, career, family, health and fitness, beauty, creative expression and how to juggle all at one time and still remain at the top of our game. Not unlike the Regular Guy who might obsess over sex, sports and sitcoms, the Regular Gal is no stranger to obsessions. ”She Says” will expose that all of these topics transcend gender. Depending on who starts the discussion, some are just a little more sugar-coated than others.

Join the forum. Join in the freedom of expression. Join the fun.

It’s probably a good idea for you to first read the article linked to this post before reading my thoughts on it below.

www.mediapost.com/publications/?fa=Articles.showArticle&art_aid=137298

As much as I hate to think that this person is correct in his opinion, I believe he could have hit the bulls-eye!

Marriage really doesn’t work, at least not like it used to. We have become a society of me rather than we people. Marriage after all, is just too hard for most people to become adept at, mainly because there is very little incentive for them to do so. People used to marry for love but if you ask couples today why they are marrying, most place love at the back of the list, and some never even mention it. It’s usually “we’ve been together for years and it was time”. How can anyone expect a marriage to last if that’s a reason to get married. Time together should never be a reason to marry.

Marriage works if both people want it to. Period, end of story! If you aren’t fully commited to making your marriage the single most important thing in your life, it’s probably doomed. I always beleived that if a person put their spouse’s feelings before their own, it would increase a marriages chance of survival. Too often I am around friends that talk bad about their spouse openly. I also witness couples that curse at each other. I have never in my life,heard my parents curse at each other. You need to respect your spouse and treat her that way. Never talk bad to people about her or curse at her like you curse at friends or others, especially when in a disagreement.

I am one of the unlucky ones who married then divorced. I am also one of the luckier ones who found the right girl the second time around. When I married the second time, my mom told us both, just one thing. “Be kind to each other”. That’s all..just be kind. Sounds corny huh? I sure as hell thought so. But after thinking it over  I conscientiously tried it. It makes sense too. It can only make your wife love and appreciate you more if you treat her kindly. Kind words, hold hands, little notes in everyday places, open doors for her (ALL THE TIME) and treat her like a woman used to be treated when our dads were young.

Yes, maybe the institution of marriage as we know it is doomed. And maybe its because we have forgotten what is truly important in our lives because we have all gotten caught up in computers, long hours at work, reality television  and what makes me happy. We allow our lives to become so complicated that we often don’t think about how to make our marriage better but just let days turn into years without thought of how it is actually falling apart. We allow our childrens’ interests to rule our marriage and forget that at one time, when they weren’t around, we were both what was important. Now, many husbands that started at number one in their wife’s eyes may very well be three or four, depending on how much she loves her parents and pets…

The formula for a good marriage isn’t that complicated. It just takes two people to be committed to making each others happiness the most important thing in their lives…Pretty simple huh?

Men like to talk about marriage and sex. Well let me rephrase that…men usually always talk about marriage and sex. More so sex than marriage but marriage or even better,  “the wife”. So what does the Regular Guy think about marriage and sex? To get a better idea, I sent out a survey to 15  married Regular Guys that I know.  Out of the 15 requests sent, 9 were willing to spend five minutes of their time to take the survey. The survey was confidential, although I believe some thought it wasn’t and that their name would appear beside their answers.  Too bad because the 9 responses returned some interesting, some typical, some surprising and some exactly as I thought, answers to how men feel about their marriage and sex.

My first thoughts about the survey revolved around love, happiness and reasons men married their wives. Of the 9 guys surveyed, 90% were in love when they married and 100% were in love with their wives today, but only 65% were happily married. The top two reasons as to why these men married were love, 75%, and best friend 35%. Along those lines, 65% of these men stated that they hang out with their wives alone for fun, other than for vacations or family functions. That’s pretty telling because a lot of men usually talk about getting away from their wives but this shows the opposite.

The majority of these men, 62%,  said that they enjoy sex with their wives but 85% said they wanted it more than their wives did. Curiously enough, 82% thought that their wives sex drive changed for the worse since they were first married, and the number one cause was because of children in the marriage.  When asked if their wives asked, initiated or invited sex as often as they wanted it, 43% said no” shes never in the mood” and 43% said “yes, but she doesn’t always initiate it.” Pretty even split there.

The last question probably explains why we are so far apart with the way we think about sex.  When asked if they believed their wives understood the male sex drive. 75% said ” no, and they really don’t understand or care about our sex drive”.

So what does all this mean? I always believed that men and women never really take the time to learn about what each other truely wants and needs with sex in a marriage. Oh yeah they probably talk about it or talk at each other but as men we feel that it just falls on deaf ears. I also believe that children in a marriage become the number one thing to the woman, where in a marriage without children, the man is still the most important thing. That is usually the what I hear most from married men. They believe that they are no longer number one and that bothers them. They can’t understand why women change so much as they age.Most understand that the children are probably the reason why they change. My favorite example of the change is the “convertible test”. Can you remember a young girl who is offered a ride in a convertible say no because her hair will get messed up. Never, but take that same girl some 30 years later and there is no way shes getting in a convertible with the top down. Hell my friends wife won’t let him take the top off his Vette while shes in it.

I once heard a saying that is so true. ” Men marry women hoping they never change and women marry men hoping they do”. How true is that saying. When I say that around my friends they can’t believe how true it is especially in their marriage. They think back to how it was when they first met their wives and the things they used to do with each other. Now those same things wouldn’t even be considered by their wives. This my friends is why we have what women call “MID LIFE CRISIS”. We want the same things we always did but can’t have them anymore.

If your interested in taking the survey, just click on the picture of the “blue monkey face” in my favorites links area on this page.

The Regular Guy